Tantrums are a normal part of toddler development, not a sign of bad parenting or a problem with your child. At this age, children are having big feelings with a very small vocabulary. The gap between what they want and what they can communicate shows up as tears, flopping on the floor, and occasional volcanic meltdowns. This handout covers what is typical, what helps, and the patterns that are worth a dedicated conversation with us.
Key Takeaways
- Tantrums are common and developmentally normal in toddlers, especially between 12 and 36 months.
- The most effective response in the moment is to stay calm, keep your child safe, and wait the storm out.
- Prevention is more useful than in-the-moment management: predictable routines, well-timed meals and naps, and offering small choices.
- Call us if tantrums are prolonged (over 15 minutes), frequent (more than five per day on most days), violent (frequent hitting, repetitive head banging, breath-holding spells that recur or end in prolonged unconsciousness or slow recovery), or persisting as a daily issue beyond age 5.
Why Tantrums Happen
Three things collide at this age: the drive for independence, a limited vocabulary, and a still-developing ability to regulate emotion. When a 1-year-old wants the red cup and cannot say “the red cup,” the frustration has nowhere to go. Tantrums are the visible version of that mismatch. They are not willful defiance at this age. They are an emotional overflow.
Typical triggers include hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, a change in routine, being told no, or being physically stuck trying to do something they have not mastered yet.
Typical Pattern by Age
9 to 11 months.
Not true tantrums. You will see crying, stiffening, and arching when frustrated or overstimulated.
12 to 15 months.
Short but intense first real tantrums, often around the end of a favorite activity, hunger, or sleep transitions.
15 to 24 months.
Frequency increases as mobility expands and the gap between wanting to do something and being able to do it widens. Hitting, biting, and throwing can appear.
24 to 36 months.
Peak frequency for many children, then a steady decrease as language takes off. By age 3 to 4, most children tantrum much less often.
What Helps During a Tantrum
- Stay calm. A parent who escalates adds fuel. A parent who stays steady provides the anchor the child cannot yet provide themselves.
- Keep your child safe. Move to a safer spot if needed. Remove objects that can be thrown or tripped over.
- Do not reason, lecture, or negotiate mid-tantrum. A 1- or 2-year-old cannot take in language during peak distress.
- Use few, short words: “I’m here. You’re safe.” Sit nearby.
- Validate afterward: “That was hard. You wanted the red cup and we had the blue one.”
- Do not give in to the demand that triggered the tantrum. Giving in teaches that tantrums get the result.
- Offer a reconnection hug when your child is ready.
What Prevents Tantrums
- Predictable daily routines for sleep, meals, and transitions.
- Well-timed meals and snacks. A hungry toddler is a volatile toddler.
- Consistent nap schedule. Overtired children tantrum more.
- Small choices within limits: “Red cup or blue cup?” instead of “What do you want to drink?”
- Advance notice before transitions: “Two more minutes, then we put the blocks away.”
- Catch and name the good behavior in the moment: “You waited so patiently just then. Thank you.”
- Reduce overstimulation: loud environments, long errand runs, and skipped naps are a recipe for a meltdown.
Tantrums in Public
- Keep expectations realistic. Errands timed around naps or meals rarely end well.
- When a public tantrum happens, calmly remove the child to a quiet spot, whether that is a bathroom, a car, or a corner of the store.
- Do not bargain, bribe, or deliver long speeches. Go to a quiet place and wait it out.
- Ignore the onlookers. Most people who have raised children are on your side.
Breath-Holding Spells
Some toddlers hold their breath at the start of a tantrum or after a sudden fright. Spells can present with either pale or blue color depending on the trigger, but both are benign in otherwise healthy children. The child briefly loses consciousness, takes a breath, and recovers within seconds. Breath-holding spells are frightening to watch but are almost always benign. The child takes a breath and recovers within seconds. Tell us about them, especially if they are happening repeatedly. We will check iron status with a CBC and ferritin, because iron supplementation reduces the frequency of these spells in children who are iron deficient. A true seizure, prolonged loss of consciousness, or a child who does not recover quickly needs immediate evaluation.
When to Call Us
- Tantrums that regularly last longer than 15 minutes.
- More than 5 tantrums per day on most days as a persistent pattern.
- Hitting, kicking, or biting that is frequent or injurious. Head banging that is repetitive, injurious, or happening outside of tantrums (brief head banging during a tantrum on a soft surface is common and usually does not require a call).
- Breath-holding spells, especially if recurrent or ending in loss of consciousness.
- Significant language delay, regression, or concerns about social communication or development. Tantrums in the context of limited language or unusual social interaction are exactly the conversation worth having with us.
- Tantrums that remain a daily issue beyond age 5.
- Any pattern that is making family life feel unmanageable, or affecting a parent’s mental health.
Taking Care of Yourself
Toddler tantrums are exhausting. A useful reframe: your child is not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time. Step away for a minute if you need to, as long as your child is safe. Share the load with another caregiver. Sleep when you can. If you find yourself feeling persistently overwhelmed, hopeless, or resentful, that is worth a conversation with us too.
Bottom Line
Most tantrums are about a small person doing big emotional work with very limited tools. Your job is to stay calm, keep them safe, and keep the ship steady until it passes. Call us if the pattern is outside the usual, or if you are simply worn down and need support.
Call ELP at (727) 372-6760 or schedule online. Stay healthy my friends.
Sources
- American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org: articles on temper tantrums and toddler emotional development.
- AAP Clinical Report: “Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children,” Sege RD, Siegel BS, Pediatrics 2018;142(6):e20183112.
- Mayo Clinic patient education materials on toddler tantrums.
- AAP guidance on breath-holding spells.
